Back in action: Indiana Kaplan and the Kosher Foods Escapade

My friends: I have failed you, and I have failed myself. It's been an agonizing 6 weeks since I have posted to this blog. And it's not for lack of material--I have photos and written musings aplenty saved on this here computer. I have no excuse for why it hasn't made it's way onto Matzahrella.

Well, without further ado, here is the much-anticipated "liveblog" from the Kosher foods aisle at Meijer grocery store. This post is dedicated to Jacek Pruski.

The set-up: In my ongoing quest to find another Jew in Goshen, Indiana, I stumble upon a potential breakthrough moment. Following a lead from an acquaintance, I discover—drum roll please—the Kosher foods aisle while shopping in Meijer (the Midwest version of Target or Wal-Mart). A Kosher foods aisle! Where there is a dedicated Kosher foods aisle, there must be a Jew. Clearly, there is a clientele.

I share this new discovery with my sister Hilary and friend Jacek while on a visit to New York, Jew capital of the world. Jacek encourages a live-blog session form the Meijer Kosher foods aisle, to share the Jew-quest up-to-the-minute with the world. Hilary, scheduled for a visit to Goshen only a few weeks later, volunteers to participate. The plan gets a further boost from Mr. Hu, the gay Asian college counselor and development officer at Hilary’s and my former high school, who assured us that the ethnic foods aisle was an excellent place to meet “like-minded” people.

Here, for you now, is an account of our 40 minutes spent loitering in the Kosher foods aisle of Meijer grocery in Goshen, Indiana:

5:42 pm “It’s not Hecscher!” shouts Hilary

5:44 pm Mother and two daughters—all in pink shirts, begin to head town aisle 10. Our first potential Jews. But it appears to be a mistake. They quickly turn around and head down Aisle 9: salad dressings, soup, ketchup/mustard, canned meat/fish.

5:47 pm Women slows her cart down beneath the British foods section, adjacent to Kosher foods. Kettle cooked BBQ chips top her cart. Is she slowing down to approach the matzah? Alas, she was only pulling over to allow the Meijer employee pushing the cart of Coca-Cola to pass.

5:48 pm A yarmulke! On a woman! Heading towards the kosher aisle! My heart begins to race…is this the one?

5:49 pm Perceived yarmulke is in fact a bonnet. Amish, not Jewish.

5:49 pm “It was inspected for wholesomeness by the USDA!” exclaims Hilary as she continues to scan the labels of the Kosher foods. “Kosher l’pesach coffee cake. How long do you think this has been here? There’s also gazpacho. Do you need Shabbos candles? What, you don’t like Shabbos candles? Oh, you don’t light Shabbos candles. Well they don’t like you either. I’m getting hungry in here. I hate to say it, but I think the Poles have it better. They have three shelves of candy; we have three shelves of matzah and egg noodles.”

5:52 pm Woman with nothing but white bread in her cart cruises by the aisle. Definitely not a Jew.

5:53 pm Latina woman passes by en route to Mexican aisle.

5:53 pm Latino man passes by en route to Mexican aisle.

5:54 pm Latino couple pass by after a successful stop in the Mexican aisle.

5:54 pm “Did you know there was a Tam Tam shortage this year? Something happened at the factory and Manischewitz stopped producing Kosher l’Pesach Tam Tams. It was a big shonda (shame).”

5:57 pm Hilary attempts to take some photos of Vicki liveblogging and asks her to move the shopping cart/computer desk to right in front of the Kosher aisle to get a better photo. Vicki refuses, insisting that we can’t block the aisle so as not to deter any potential approaching Jews or affinity group.

5:58 pm Definitely not a Jewish hairdo.

5:59 pm Women pushing cart with small child in child’s seat reverses cart… is she heading this direction? Ah, she turns down aisle 11, not 10.

6:01 pm “I want a snack.” (Hilary)

6:02 pm Meijer employee evicts Vicki in order to make room for his palette of Sprite and orange Fanta to pass by the Kosher aisle.

6:04 pm Woman in jean shorts and orange tank attempts to scale a shelf in the Italian section… feisty. I could see my mom doing something like that. Maybe she’ll head this way… she does! She catches Hil videotaping the scene and fails to stop at the Kosher shelf. I hope we didn’t intimidate her.

6:06 pm The woman who opened my account at Lake City Bank! In the Kosher aisle! “Frijoles” she says as she points to the Mexican aisle.

6:14 pm Black woman walks by and looks at the Kosher shelves… our first eye contact! Progress!

6:16 pm “Too bad they don’t have macaroons! I would get some!”

6:18 pm “Great way to lose weight: just take a picture of it!” says a friendly man who tries to walk by without getting in the way of Hilary’s photography.

6:18 pm “Wow look at this! It’s mustard in a glass,” shouts Hilary from the German section.

6:20 pm Indiana Kaplan and the Kosher Foods Escapade. Hilary offers the title for our episode.

6:23 Hilary requests a parting photo with Stella D’Oro, the kosher cookie. “Very popular with Jewish youth groups. Almond toast—mandelbread. Made in the Bronx. Jewish Italian food.”

This last photo is of my latest invention: using a packet of Manischewitz split pea soup mix as keyboard wrist-rest.